Tamara: You know those tedious 9-to-5 office jobs that everyone finds so boring? Malcolm: Yeah. Tamara: I envy those. Malcolm: Yeah. Malcolm: What the hell is that? Tamara: When did Cinema Snob become Buddhist? NC: Greetings, humble mortals. Welcome to inner peace. Malcolm: Critic, what the hell is going on? Tamara: Yeah, what’s with the getup, and why the shaved head? Malcolm: Shaved head? You mean he had hair before? NC: Normally, a line like that would force me to thrash you, but I have achieved enlightenment. Tamara: Really? And how did you do that? NC: I have seen the ultimate bad movie. After 10 years of seeing crap, I have finally come across a film so terrible it has lifted me to a higher plane. I can bring about peace when there is none and even predict Transformers movies without having to see them. Tamara: Okay, Critic. We’ll bite. Which movie gave you this enlightenment? NC: Rob Schneider’s… Tamara: Sounds right. NC: …and the studio that brought you all the Barbie movies… Malcolm: Sounds doubly right. NC: Norm of the North. Tamara and Malcolm: Yep. NC: That’s right. After 10 years of doing this, I’m finally giving in and reviewing the film I’ve gotten countless requests to review. With some exceptions, I like the movies I’ve reviewed that have some sort of nostalgic connection, whether it come out years ago or was based on nostalgic property. This, however, has no nostalgic connection, no nostalgic characters, it’s not even that old. But I’m gonna review it in honor of you guys watching for 10 incredible years. So, let’s get ready to watch a film so terrible it can bring you into a whole new realm of reality. Hey. Aren’t you guys gonna get ready for the sketches? Tamara: Oh, we’d like to, but… oh, man, those clips you showed us really… brought us to enlightenment already. Malcolm: Yeah, me, too. We’re not just taking it easy because we worked our asses off in the Wonder Woman review. Tamara: No. NC: I understand. Be at peace in your new enlightened state- Tamara: We’ll do it better if you stop yapping. NC: Oh! Sorry. Tamara: We don’t care. NC: By popular demand, this is Norm of the North. The film opens with music that’s trying WAY too hard for a Rob Schneider project. This literally has farting lemmings, composer. You do not want to waste your A material on this. We see our main character Norm, played by human shrug Rob Schneider, as he mumbles to himself arguably what the real Rob Schneider mumbles to himself every morning. Norm: (whispering) Don’t listen to the haters, Norm. You got this! Caribou: Read ’em and weep boys! Cari-booyah! NC: Okay, let’s play a game. I’m sure you’re already playing it at home. Okay, let’s see. Norm is obviously the lion from Madagascar who doesn’t fit in. Caribou #2: I knew he wouldn’t kill the seal. NC: Ah! We got the Brother Bear moose. Both of them, actually. Ohhhh, and the annoying testicles! *snickering* Oh, come on! You know, the annoying testicles. They’re everywhere! There’s the Simpsons ones in Despicable Me, the ginger-crap ones from Brave, the petting zoo of annoyance from Lorax, the black-and-white and overused-all-over-from-Madagascar penguins, the Wile E. Coyote one from Ice Age. In fact, let’s steal their backgrounds, too, while we’re at it. As well as their inability to bring joy. And now, here’s a terrifying combination of all of them with these Bigfoot testicles known as the lemmings. Who, sadly, do not jump off a cliff in this movie. Oh, sure, you’ll be authentic on that detail. Oh, let’s not forget the generic female support who’s so essential to this movie she LITERALLY only has one word in a scene. Elizabeth: Hi. NC: And we hit that check mark. That means we’re a real movie now! Let’s celebrate with a shitty transition not like a real movie. Female Tourist: EAT HIM! Norm: You wanna know why I’m not gonna eat you? You got a minute? Well, maybe an hour. NC: (as Norm) Or a better writer? Do you have a better writer? ‘Cause this so isn’t flowing. NC: (normal) So, Norm reveals that he can talk with humans, and he’s the only polar bear who can apparently do it. Little Norm: Can’t you see we’re wild animals here? Girl: Did you just talk to me? NC: How does he have that magical power? Norm: And certainly no other bear had these weird feelings that I had. NC: So he sees the king of the Arctic who also happens to be his grandpa. Grandfather: I, too, can speak to our human visitors. Polar bears are icons of the Arctic, Norm. And an icon with a voice can be very powerful indeed. NC: Yeah, that’s our shitty way of saying, “We just can.” But at least our powerful icons are used for lame movies and annoying ad campaigns. NC: Would you watch Norm of the North? Jeff Burton: Not a chance. NC: Oh, he also discovers he likes dancing. Because they want to see if they can turn this: into this: Christ, everything in this movie’s a ripoff. Even this scene looks like a Coke commercial. But it’s the crappy second-rate version, so it would probably be this: In fact, I just realized. You know how there’s always a bad asylum knockoff film every single time an animated flick comes out? Like, EVERY animated flick? Norm of the North doesn’t have one. That’s how bad it is. It’s own asylum knockoff! This has been foretold in the Apocalypse. He has a brother named Stan, played by Gabriel Iglesias. He’s in this scene, and… that’s it. Stan: Let me give you some advice, bro. Act with your stomach, and not your heart. NC: (as Iglesias) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m to escape this movie so my talents are wasted in higher material. Including Nut Job 2, Annoying Orange, and… Holy shit! How the hell did I get that?! (normal) He likes to put on a show for the tourists, including lemmings in tuxes, seals in ice cannons, and twerking whales. You know, this movie’s only ten minutes in, and it’s already created two new commandments: No twerking whales and no saying you’re not gonna do something followed by a scene of you immediately doing it. Norm: The Arctic Shake was for your bachelor party. I’d never do that for the human tourists. Never! Never! NEVER! NC: Wow. That transition was so lazy and uninspired, you could just replace it with this. Norm: I’d never do that for the human tourists. Never! Never! NEVER! NC: In fact, for this movie, I think there should be a new commandment that just says Nothing else, just “NO”! Norm!NC: Hey, I have an idea for- NC: NO! Norm!NC: I thought it’d be funny if maybe I- NC: NO!! Norm!NC: But wouldn’t it be cool if perhaps I- NC: Moses sculpted an entire tablet simply for this commandment. The answer is NO! Norm!NC: Mmmmm…. But perhaps if I could just- NC: God has a sharpshooter pointing at you all the time. Don’t give him a reason. Something else you’ll notice is that the camera is always spinning in this movie. It’s like the camera operator is in constant orbit around whatever piece of shit is being photographed. I feel like I’m on a dizzying ride! WhooooOOOOAAaaa! Norm: The Arctic Shake… Tamara: Aw, what? Is spinning too much for you? NC: No, I just had to listen to the dialogue. Male Tourist: That bear’s not scary at all! He belongs on Broadway! NC: (as Norm) Oh, no! That’s… not what I wanted to be? I thought you didn’t want to be a scary animal. You know, see if you can get along and be peaceful with people? Norm: These intruders. They’ve never done anything for us except to come to our land uninvited. NC: Motivation, you drunk again? Motivation: Only when you are stupid. In fact, he’s so spontaneously hates humans that he’s looking to get rid of a person’s house that suddenly pops up. Norm: There’s a human house right here on Grandpa’s land. Forebear: You want to be king? A future king isn’t supposed to get so emotional. And for the love of salmon, no more talking human! NC: Yes, don’t use the gift your grandpa said was good to talk to humans that you don’t want to talk to because you hate them now anyway. Grandfather: Just know that what you and I have is a great gift. Motivation: Piss off! NC: And by the way, you see how these three lemmings are following Norm around like they’re close friends? Yeah, this is the first time we’re seeing that. They go to see the house in the scene prior, but aside from that, we’ve never seen them before. Or…maybe we have, it’s just one of these tainted tribbles, but following him out with their heads hung low because they have such a connection with him? This is the first time they’re even acknowledging that they’re in any way friends! NC: I mean, establishing the strong relationship out of nowhere is just lazy! Isn’t it, Bill? Bill? Bill? Bill! (scared) Bill? Bill! BILL!! BIIIIILLL!!! BIIIILL!! BIIIIIILL!!! Good grief. I’m all alone! Who’ll take care of me?! I’ll starve to death! BIIIIILL!!! Bill: Mm-hmmm? NC: Oh. That’s right, Bill. You became the temporary king of Iceland. Bill: Mm-hmm. NC: Well, it’s good to have you back, Bill. Bill: Mm-hmm. NC: Do the Bill Dance! But, hey, maybe they’re learning from their mistakes. I mean, they did evolve this character from one word to a 20-second scene. Yeah, I counted. 20 seconds, folks. Elizabeth: Don’t just dance for the humans. Fight for our home instead. Norm: Okay. I won’t let you down. NC: (as Norm) I will uphold that check that you got for one minute of dialogue. It’s the least I can do for the least that we gave you! Norm: We have to do something! I have to do something! Socrates: Ah. Number one or number two? You know, I’m just gonna start a conspiracy site for how this film got made. Theory one… I can’t prove that I’m right, but you can’t prove that I’m wrong. They see the human house is there for a real estate commercial, which Norm plans to sabotage, because… again, he sees the value in human life. Nigel: A director always delivers and never quits. Cameraman: There goes the footage… NC: We never see that cameraman again, so I’m just gonna presume he’s dead. Bringing the kill count to surprisingly two! I question your age-appropriate rating, Dove Foundation! By the way, I didn’t Photoshop that. (laughing) That’s totally on there! Vera: Sea lion! Hi! Please come back. Norm: It’s a seal, you generalist. Humans think all animals look the same. NC: Yes. I was shocked by that line, too. Rob Schneider and racial sensitivity
usually go so hand-in-hand. An agent for Greene Homes named Vera, played by Heather Graham, talks with her daughter Olympia when she notices Norm in the distance. Vera: I think he’s charging me. Is that bad? Olympia: It says, “When confronted with a polar bear…” NC: And is it me, or is the animation so awkward that when this kid turns sideways, her eye looks like the Devil’s Venus flytrap? Demonic Voice: *GROWL* I WILL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL! Vera: Let me call you back, honey. Mommy has an idea. NC: Vera films Norm chasing her, and sends it to her boss, Mr. Greene, played by Ken Jeong, and… NC: I’m not gonna lie, this line of reasoning is so strange that, like violent vomit, I have to bring it up in chunks. Vera: I got some really great footage of a polar bear that almost attacked me. Greene: I love it, I love it! This bear is a star. This will definitely get me approval from the Polar Council. *pop* NC: Why would a dangerous animal sell home? Surprisingly, nobody wants property with a bear living on it unless Nicolas Cage is hiding inside. And don’t tempt him with that offer! He needs the money. Greene: We need a real symbol of the Arctic who can convince these morons to buy my homes. Find an actor who looks just like that bear. *pop* NC: Well, again, problem solved, he needs the money, but second: Why would you need an actor who looks like a bear? Is that some sort of trick they don’t teach you in real estate school? (as a buyer) Well, I was gonna turn you down, but… dude looks like a bear. You can connect the dots. Greene: Let’s use the Arctic to sell the Arctic. Booyah! Vera: *gasp* *pop* NC: Why did she gasp? I mean, yes, any movie that says “booyah” should be given balls so they can be castrated, but…shouldn’t she be happy? She fixed her problem. Maybe it suddenly hit her that her daughter has devil eye. *DEMONIC GROWLING* Seriously, what was that? Finally, why is Ken Jeong doing his worst Patton Oswalt? Greene: Bring the commercial and the model back home to New York and I’ll see you tomorrow, mañana. Did they approach Patton Oswalt, and the first thing he said was… “Do you know who I’m not?! Ken Jeong!” (normal) And then they’re like, “Ooh! We should get Ken Jeong!” “His career is on the rise. Let’s see if we can put a stop to that by casting him as someone who’s supposed to move funny, but instead moves like a sped-up inflatable outside of a car rental!” You know, can this movie be like Split, where it’s all secretly connected to another movie? ‘Cause I would kill if this was actually the prequel to Alaska! If Norm of the North gets the treatment the mother got in that this would at least be in the double digits. So Norm sneaks on to a submarine that lost its dentures, and Vera comes home to her daughter, who is presumably Sherman after he got a sex change. Which, let’s be honest, we all saw that coming. Vera: This is only a tour. We still need Mr. Greene’s help and… Olympia: Mom, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. NC: Okay, I know it’s a cartoon, I shouldn’t be questioning this, but… How is that neck supporting that head? It’s like a straw trying to balance a potato. I’m just gonna question those logistics throughout the entire film. Norm comes across two henchmen who try to catch him, but he runs outside, and he… ACHOO!! Oh, sorry about that. *clears throat* Where was I? I’m…sorry, I sneezed. Apparently, that was enough to totally lose track of what was going on! Okay, let me rewind this here. Okay, they confuse a guy in a bear suit for him and rather than call the cops, he practices ninjutsu on them. Okay, now everything makes sense! (chuckling) Sorry, that must have seemed really stupid before I explained it. But Greene finds out from that terrifying dream you had about Gilbert Gottfried in drag that if he doesn’t get his approval ratings up, he can’t sell houses in the Arctic. But not before an essential scene of the lemmings pissing in a fish tank. (whispering) All ages. Even though it’s rated PG. All ages! And by the way, they clearly have their time priorities planned out. We had under a minute showing Norm’s connection to his love interest, literally no time dedicated to showing Norm’s connection to his comic relief. But lemmings pissing? And trust me, it gets uncomfortable. They’re all just… staring at them. (whispering) Is this life now? Vera: Thank you all for coming. NC: DAAAH! What’s wrong with you?! The lemmings pissing! Go back to that! That needs to BE!!! D’oh… All right. I suppose people came for something OTHER than rat urine. Did they? Norm is immediately hired as the spokesperson, though Mr. Greene is surprised that an image as scary as a killer bear is as scary as a killer bear. Again, how is this campaign supposed to work? Vera: …And even brought Arctic lemmings. YES!! They realized the error of their ways and they went right back to the lemmings pissing! Don’t be afraid to stare! (creepily) The movie says it’s okay. (whispering) This is now our everything. Greene: Well, he’s too authentic. I mean, we need a bear that is happy. That makes people feel warm and safe. NC: Like that scary video you sent earlier. How do you movie, movie? But he dances, which wins him over, but he discovers he really is a bear, which makes him angry again, so he goes into a restaurant with a gun to try and kill him. Because…yeah. This will get your approval ratings u- *stuttering* What?! Vera: The local news caught your outburst. Everyone’s talking about Norm, and look at our approval ratings. NC: Okay, I know this is a kid’s film. Presumably one you show when punishing your kids but, I’m sorry. How can any of this result in higher approval ratings?! That’s like a celebrity being found guilty of a crime going to jail and when she’s released, somehow she’s worth even more money! And if you thought that joke was too easy Screw you! It’s Norm of the North! They can go for the easy ones! Why can’t I?! (through his teeth) STUPID!! (sighing) So, they want to use Norm again, making this pointless detour what, 26? Though, Norm still tries hold out for more. Norm: Well, Normie has to look for a new job and a place to live. Not all of us can afford a fancy Greene condo. Which I hear is fully furnished and uninhabited. NC: This is better than Schneider’s usual bargaining line, which is (imitates Patton Oswald again) “Do you know who I know?!” So they end up also giving him a nice place to live. And, in this film’s natural progression we move from pissing lemmings to farting lemmings. But they are merciful on this one. Only are dedicated to this. *farting* Norm: Okay. *fart*
Okay, look… *farting again* NC: I’d like to point out, by the way that when I typed “farting lemmings” autocorrect asked if I was sure this was my life. Sadly, yes. iPad: *crying* Oh, don’t cry. Vera’s going to put him on a talk show but before she does, she introduces him to her daughter, Olympia. Vera: Yes, hi, Mr. Greene. Sorry I didn’t pick up before. Norm: Your mom is very good at her job, Olympia. Olympia: Sometimes I wish she wasn’t so good at her job if it meant she got to spend more time with me. NC: You know, I make fun of this movie, but in all honesty it is very impressive to see the first fully
computer-animated motion picture. Oh, I don’t mean animated WITH computers I mean animated BY computers! Because only a machine would combine all of these cliches and think it somehow equals cinematic emotion. NC: And I actually have that computer right here the Talent Replacer 9000! Say hello, 9000. TR-9000: Hello, 9000. NC: Oh, that sounds like humor! It’s years old and not very funny! But nevertheless, you’ve picked up on it and that’s very impressive. TR-9000: Of course. It is how I make what you humans have called “give-up” films. NC: Now tell me, 9000. How did you come up with these ideas? TR-9000: I do not come up with anything. I calculate what is used in every movie and put it in my movie. Where most films choose to focus on one or two of these cliches to make an emotional connection I say “suck it” and replace the emotion with more cliches. The misunderstood hero. The busy parent. The budding friendship. Dance sequences. Corporate villains. Fart jokes. Pee jokes. The list is never ending. NC: And that’s what you did with Norm of the North? TR-9000: No. For Rob Schneider movies, I use a different formula. NC: Oh, yeah? And what’s that? TR-9000: Rob Schneider derp dee derp. Derp dee derp dee derp dee derp. Until one day, the derpa derpa derpa derp. Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derp Dee Derp Dee Dumb. Rated PG-13. NC: Ah! Dove Foundation approved! TR-9000: Oh. I mean, PG. NC: That’s right. Parental guidance suggested. Even though it’s been approved for all ages. TR-9000: Derp. NC: After going on TV where they show the security footage with such incredible angles and editing you’d swear they were just too lazy to animate another scene. Norm, in the middle of the interview dances. Yeah. He wasn’t asked. They weren’t talking about it. He just kind of randomly starts doing it. It just comes right the hell out of nowhere, and suddenly, we’re in a musical. It’s like if in the middle of this review I suddenly started dancing! Mr. Greene takes Norm’s voice and makes it sound like he supports putting his houses in the Arctic so he goes to Vera’s because he remembers hearing that Olympia was a genius! Norm: I actually think Olympia and myself are a lot alike. Two peas in a pod. Olympia: Besties. NC: Yes! That’s exactly right! You had one scene! And now, you’re immediately besties! I think this whole entire film was some idiot looking through the garbage finding the shredded first drafts of successful films taping them back together typing it up on a computer setting the computer on fire inhaling the fumes death and this was the mocking eulogy some asshole gave at his funeral! And THAT is the BEST-case scenario! Olympia says he should go after the investors, and of course she happens to know exactly where they are and Norm shows them Greene already signed off on the homes without getting their approval. Chef Kosawa: How did you get these? Norm: I had some very small hairy associates relieve Mr. Greene of his flash drive. *farts* NC: Every joke that comes from those pubes of misery should be followed by that kid crying from A Christmas Story. *fart* Randy: *crying* NC: But things get crazier when Norm finds out Greene has his grandfather and apparently has been holding him this whole time. Well, what the hell’s the point of that? You could have cut the grandfather out of the second half of this film and you wouldn’t miss a damn thing! *confused stutter* Did he have more of a story, and then the director just sent a note saying… Because if that’s the case how do you explain this? A scene where they escape get captured again only to escape again! Yeah! The scenes only last a few minutes! There’s even a fake-out to make you think that Norm and his grandfather die only to find out they’re really still alive. LITERALLY followed later by ANOTHER fake-out making us think that Norm and his grandfather die only to find out that they’re actually still alive! Oh, my God. This film’s on constant repeat. It just keeps going over and over and over! It’s on a continual loop! It’s like Groundhog Day except instead of watching Bill Murray we’re watching Rob Schneider! INSTEAD OF WATCHING BILL MURRAY, WE’RE WATCHING ROB SCHNEIDER!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO So the villain’s plan is thwarted Vera and Olympia live happily ever as pencil necks with necks literally pencils and the Rob Schneider bear *shudder* …procreates. And we …never think of that concept again. (calm) And that was Norm of the North. A film so bad that it helped me achieve enlightenment. Malcolm: So it’s worse than Garbage Pail Kids? NC: Well. No. Nothing’s worse than Garbage Pail Kids. Tamara: It’s worse than Mamma Mia? NC: Well, okay, nothing’s as bad as that either, but- Malcolm: The Master of Disguise? NC: No Tamara: Son of the Mask? NC: Not re-
Malcolm: Cat in the Hat? NC: Not exactly- Tamara: Bio-Dome? NC: You’re ruining my Zen thing. Malcolm: Fant4stic? NC: (snaps) Okay, it’s not as bad as any of those! It’s just your …run-of-the-mill bad. Don’t get me wrong. This is a tough film to get through. It’s stupid it’s lazy it’s annoying but it’s …nothing you wouldn’t expect. It doesn’t surpass the unlikeability I would imagine I’d get from an animated Rob Schneider flick. If anything, it gives the exact crap I thought I would get. So, yeah. It sucks, but …I can’t say it’s the worst thing ever, or …even in my top 10 of worst things ever. It’s just …bad. But that means that I didn’t achieve enlightenment. I just watched a really stupid flick. I’m not any smarter I’m not any dumber. Okay, I’m a little dumber. But, this isn’t the worst impact a film has had on me! I can’t see without seeing! I can’t bring about peace when there isn’t peace! Oh, my God, I shaved my head. I look like a jackass now! A complete and total jackass! And for what?! Norm of the freaking North?! I gave up my hair for THIS?! OH, MY GOD! What have I done with myself?!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!? Malcolm: Wait. You still think you had hair? *crash*
NC: *BATTLE CRY* TR-9000: Derp Hello, Doug walker here. Wasn’t messing around, I really did it. *laugh* And, uh We are doing the charity shout out here as usual and this week, we are doing Project Hope. Project Hope delivers essential medicine and supplies volunteers and medical training to prevent disease promote wellness respond to disaster and save lives around the globe. Project Hope has been a leader in providing community education and healthcare worker training to help halt the global epidemic of diseases such as diabetes obesity and cardiovascular disease. They also utilize health affairs which is the leading journal of health policy thought and research exploring health policy issues of current concerns and domestic and international spheres. They’ve also gained a reputation of financial integrity and efficiency with more than 90 percent of their expanded resources supporting their life-saving health projects around the world. If you look at their site and their YouTube page you can see the hard-working volunteers and various places and people they help on a daily basis. It’s a wonderful organization that needs your support. Take a click and see how you too can help them out.